Disclaimer: If you
read this, don’t worry. I am not talking
about you.
Before you type in your next Facebook status, just know that
we are on to you. Because what you think
you are presenting to us and what we hear are two very different things.
Following are various status updates, their translations,
and insightful observations about the status.
It’s a simple reference in case you are tempted to use any of these or
their variations.
First, a helpful key to guide you:
Status - What the person projects to the world, wants others
to think and believe, whether true or not
Translation - What the readers hear
Keen observation - The truth, the whole truth and nothing
but the truth
1.
Status: “Played Monopoly with the kids, baked cookies and
now it’s Family Movie Night! Nothing
like cuddling with my kids on a Saturday night.”
Translation: I want everyone to know what an awesome mom I
am. Or that I was awesome for three
hours today when I stopped playing Farmville and paid attention to my kids.
Keen Observation: Wow, girlfriend. I remember when there was nothing like
cuddling with that guy you hooked up with in Hoboken on a Saturday night.
2.
Status: “Hubby just gave me a Louis Vuitton bag! And peep-toe Louboutins! I am the luckiest
girl in the world.”
Translation: Look everyone!
My husband buys me things. Expensive things. I’m pretty sure he’s cheating on me, but at
least I have a new Louie bag and Louboutins.
Keen Observation:
You’re husband is totally cheating on you. With his boyfriend. What straight guy knows to buy his woman the
two Lous?
3.
Status: “I love living in Hawaii. There is nothing like
starting the day with a jog on the beach while watching the dolphins in the
water. Life is Good!”
Translation: Sucka!
Keen Observation: Alright, Miss Rosie Rub It In. Good for you.
Hope a shark doesn’t eat you while you are paddleboarding.
4.
Status: “After months of careful consideration, I have
decided that I am getting my tubes tied.
My family of 4 is now complete.”
Translation: I have a weird need to tell everyone my really,
really personal business.
Keen Observation: Your family of 4 is not giving you enough
attention. Maybe you should reconsider
and go for baby #3. At least when the little one is suckling your boob, you'll get some attention.
5.
Status: “Just booked our summer house. Now off to pick up our new Benz at the
dealership.”
Translation: We are in massive credit card debt, but at
least my friends think I’m rich.
Keen Observation: You are a pretentious jerk. But let me know when your house goes into
foreclosure, I might know a buyer.
6.
Status: “Dinner with my besties! My besties are the best besties ever!”
Translation: Hey, everyone, I have friends! And I talk like I am 6 years-old! And I end
every sentence with an exclamation mark!
Keen Observation: I have never seen more women with so many best
friends since the dawning of Facebook.
7.
Status: “Just put the kids on the bus. Drinking my cup of joe in a quiet house
getting ready to go to the gym. Then it’s off to lunch with a friend and maybe
a nap afterwards.”
Translation: Jealous?
I don’t have a job. My kids are
all in school. My husband is at
work. And I am so bored.
Keen observation: WTF? Yeah, I am a little jealous of all that free
time. But, c’mon! Get a job, go volunteer, get a hobby. And by hobby, I don’t mean sleeping with your
personal trainer every Wednesday and Friday.
8.
Status: “Work all day then grocery shopping. Oh, then I have to pick up a prescription for
this hacking cough I’ve had for 3 weeks.
Making fire-grilled shrimp with honeydew gazpacho for dinner
tonight. Then I’m relaxing and watching
The Office and Parks & Rec. I will
be in bed by 10. Yawn.”
Translation: My life is average, but by throwing in that
tasty dinner, I want you to think that at least I am an amazing cook.
Keen observation: You got that right with the yawn part. And there cannot be such a thing as honeydew
gazpacho. Oh, and WHO CARES?
9.
Status: “I was going to wait for the kids to go to bed, but
I’m thinking it’s Wine o’ clock NOW!”
Translation: I cannot function without alcohol.
Keen observation: Get help.
You cannot function without alcohol.
10.
Status: “Is it summer vacation ALREADY? Two months home with these kids might drive
me crazy.”
Translation: Well, there go my days of pedicures, lunch with
my besties, and hitting the gym in the middle of the day. Guess I’ll have to drag these kids grocery
shopping now.
Keen observation: See #7 – Haha! They’re baaaack! Now that the little cherubs
are home messing up your mojo we are sure we will see you at the local park or
town pool, heavily engaged in titillating conversation with other moms about other moms. And I’m going to guess your kid is the one
that just kicked the other one down the slide.
But you wouldn’t know as you are that mom feverishly texting on that
bench over there.
11.
Status: “Joey puked all over his bed last night. Hubby’s staying home with him, but I have to
work. I’m exhausted and have to teach a
roomful of 8 year-olds. Being a mom is hard!”
Translation: Being a mom is hard.
Keen observation: Keeping it real, sista. Thank you.
